Another year coming to a close and, for the most part, 2010 was very much what I had hoped it would be.
Life just generally calmed down. By the end of March, I had stopped traveling for work and could settle in to a more normal lifestyle of being home every night and where travel was only of the fun vacation kind. My promotion finally fell into place after a year and a half delay and I felt more optimistic that I could continue on for the next 3-5 years with the same company. I attended an inspirational future leaders conference for women in my company and was further encouraged about the next steps. A big milestone is on the horizon in January; I will be with my company for 10 years.
Nevertheless, in preparing for my annual review in October, I had the feeling that it might be time to move on. Staying with my current company means the next few years are a steep uphill climb if I want to make the next promotion. Plus, in the background, there is always the lingering thought that in town assignments are more a matter of luck than anything. While it worked out for me this year, it is always a gamble on what the next assignment might bring.
Even with that feeling of being ready for change, I decided to hold off on actively looking for a new job for another year or so. I was going through a bit of tough time with so many friends recently leaving Munich and, despite feeling at home and settled, was starting to wonder if I wanted to rebuild yet again, knowing the result will likely be the same, or if I should also consider leaving. Again, no firm idea or plan, just a sense that I needed to think about what I really wanted for the next few years and also what might make the most sense with my personal situation.
Mr. Kilt and I were talking about the next steps in our relationship. He had always made it clear that getting married and having kids were top priorities in his near future and we began to discuss moving in together, as well as the possibility of getting married next year and even how kids would fit into the picture. In a very academic way, this all sounded great. Mr. Kilt is a solid, down to earth, caring and fun person who has a lot to offer. Finally it seemed after putting a lot more emphasis on my personal life, things were coming together. Yet somewhere deep in the pit of my stomach, where intuition reigns, something felt a little off. Planning our future should have felt good but I felt trapped.
I told my gut to be quiet and leave me be but as December approached I was feeling more and more disconnected from everything and everyone. Somehow life had moved into auto-pilot and I felt like I was just going through the moves because it all got easy and comfortable. I argued with myself, isn't that what I wanted? To reach some kind of angst-free equilibrium and maybe even live happily ever after?
At the end of November, two things happened. First, my client approached me with a job offer. A permanent position in Munich, no travel, an excellent opportunity with a nice package. Second, a colleague who had become a friend opened up about his feelings for me and I knew immediately I couldn't just brush it off. I had always felt a connection with him but always chose to ignore it as I was focused on a future with Mr. Kilt.
After a well-orchestrated, carefully planned and executed year, I suddenly faced December with two major decisions starting me in the face, one for career and one for personal life. Another fork in the road when I least expected it, two forks actually, with far reaching implications. On a gut level, I knew what I wanted but my brain needed some time to catch up, double check and reassure, absorb it all and come to some kind of acceptance. My brain fought it for as long as it could but in the end I went with my instinct in both cases.
And so I come to the close of 2010, my decisions are made, and I am on a break to digest it all.
Truly a December to remember.
Posted from East Hampton
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
29.12.10
18.11.10
Three Women
Across the hall lives an older couple, I'd place in their late 60s or early 70s. As happens from time to time, we leave our apartments at the same time and hop onto the elevator together and start chatting. Actually she does most of the chatting and I ask a short question here or there or comment on whatever she is talking about. My ability to formulate a response in German is too slow to keep up with her. I understand most of what she is saying though and I admire her passion for life. She and her husband are always up to something - travel, adventures in the city, learning something new. Recently I was running a bit late for work and she came strolling out of her house, yoga mat in hand and donning rainbow leg warmers and headband. She told me all about the gym down the street (for women only, because she doesn't like gyms with meatheads wandering around) and the great yoga class that she adores. I have to confess I was a bit jealous that as I was trudging off to work, she was headed for her big event of the day. Another time she told me all about her two week cruise around India that she and her husband just returned from and how fascinating she found India. Again, I was a bit envious of her golden tan and her adventure. One Friday night as I was returning from dinner, she was all dolled up and ready for a night on the town. She is a character and I love her energy and zest for life and enjoy our little chats.
I have a cleaning lady who comes twice a month to get my apartment straightened out. Once in awhile I work from home on a Friday when she happens to come and she likes to practice her English so we talk. One time I told her about my job and the hours and the travel and the stress as she mentioned that I looked a bit tired. So she told me her story. She had held two fairly senior positions in big companies and had had a similar lifestyle to me some years ago. She finally had enough of the stress and resigned and decided to start a cleaning company. She has a full time job at an office and then does some houses and apartments on the side. I wasn't sure what to make of what she told me but she told me she is happier now than she ever was in the corporate world. She simply likes the feeling that when the day is done she has made the workplace or someone's home tidy and even more she likes seeing the people happy with her work. Corporate work was wearing her down and she never felt appreciated for the effort. It made me of my favorite job ever, when I worked in an ice cream shop. There really is something satisfying about a routine job with low stress that puts a smile on people's faces and maybe I have forgotten that too much lately.
I've now moved on to the B1.1 level of German and still going strong. I finished the A2.2 7 week evening class (2 hours a night, 4 nights a week) and moved right on to the next level, another 7 week evening course. I have the same teacher for this session as the last. She is a seasoned teacher and is unbelievably patient and always helps relieve the tedium and occasional frustration with a dash of good humor. It's not easy after a long day of work to head for two hours of German class but she has helped make it possible since I started in September. I can tell she wants to be there. She remembers the full class's names by the end of the first hour, she tries to think of creative ways to get the ideas across and she has a funny giggle when we come up with something particularly creative. She reminds me that the same set of tasks can be approached in a variety of ways, but some approaches will make the task more memorable and fun and why not try to apply that attitude to as many situations in life as possible?
I like these accidental women in my life. I can't really call them friends but glad that for whatever complicated reasons and although I never would have imagined, these three German ladies and I have crossed paths and they have all made me think about who I am and what else I can be.
Posted from Munich
I have a cleaning lady who comes twice a month to get my apartment straightened out. Once in awhile I work from home on a Friday when she happens to come and she likes to practice her English so we talk. One time I told her about my job and the hours and the travel and the stress as she mentioned that I looked a bit tired. So she told me her story. She had held two fairly senior positions in big companies and had had a similar lifestyle to me some years ago. She finally had enough of the stress and resigned and decided to start a cleaning company. She has a full time job at an office and then does some houses and apartments on the side. I wasn't sure what to make of what she told me but she told me she is happier now than she ever was in the corporate world. She simply likes the feeling that when the day is done she has made the workplace or someone's home tidy and even more she likes seeing the people happy with her work. Corporate work was wearing her down and she never felt appreciated for the effort. It made me of my favorite job ever, when I worked in an ice cream shop. There really is something satisfying about a routine job with low stress that puts a smile on people's faces and maybe I have forgotten that too much lately.
I've now moved on to the B1.1 level of German and still going strong. I finished the A2.2 7 week evening class (2 hours a night, 4 nights a week) and moved right on to the next level, another 7 week evening course. I have the same teacher for this session as the last. She is a seasoned teacher and is unbelievably patient and always helps relieve the tedium and occasional frustration with a dash of good humor. It's not easy after a long day of work to head for two hours of German class but she has helped make it possible since I started in September. I can tell she wants to be there. She remembers the full class's names by the end of the first hour, she tries to think of creative ways to get the ideas across and she has a funny giggle when we come up with something particularly creative. She reminds me that the same set of tasks can be approached in a variety of ways, but some approaches will make the task more memorable and fun and why not try to apply that attitude to as many situations in life as possible?
I like these accidental women in my life. I can't really call them friends but glad that for whatever complicated reasons and although I never would have imagined, these three German ladies and I have crossed paths and they have all made me think about who I am and what else I can be.
Posted from Munich
19.7.10
In the Airport
Sometimes changes happen with a big bang, altering life as you know it in a moment. Other times, changes sneak their way into your life, subtly shifting the sands around until one day you are struck by the change in the landscape. What you knew so well and for so long has been replaced by something altogether new.
I always was a little bit afraid of what would happen to me if I eased off on my relentless travel and work schedule, even while I knew logically that if I ever wanted a different life from the one I was living I would have to give it up. I was worried I would become boring or bored and I wondered what satisfaction I would find if I shifted my energy to my personal life.
Many people would probably thing it is ridiculous to get so much enjoyment out of professional achievements at the expense of stability in personal life, but I thrived on it. Getting the final sign off on my doctorate, finishing my first project as a team member, then as a team lead, then moving on and achieving even more in an international setting than I ever would have believed possible gave me a lot of happiness. Sure, the cost was always high. A trail of destruction in my friendships, my relationships and even a brief marriage was left in my wake as I continuously set off for the next adventure. I never saw at the time what I was doing; it just seemed to all implode on its own over and over again.
During a cold, lonely winter in Zürich something finally started to click. I was devoting far too much energy to achievement for the sake of achievement. Something echoed in my head over and over during that winter, a line from the last argument M. and I ever had. 'Do you want to be in your 50s, single and no family, working on yet another crazy project, living somewhere like Hong Kong?'
I pondered that question a lot in the winter of 2009. Sometimes I could really see that as my future. Traveling the globe, climbing the corporate ladder, dependent on no one. But then what? If that all came to pass, would I really look back at my life and be happy with how I lived it? Independence, strength and self-sufficiency are all good things but are they worth it at the exclusion of the many other things life has to offer?
As often is the case, even when I started to feel that perhaps it was time for a change, life doesn't just fall into place at that moment. My motto may have become 'Underachieve at work and enjoy life more' but old habits die hard.
I moved back to Munich while starting another challenging project in Geneva that then took me to England and the Netherlands at first and then off to Mexico. Next thing I knew over a year had passed since the breakup with M. and on the surface little seemed to have changed.
Mexico felt special to me at the time. I embraced the time there and felt very sad when I decided to leave prematurely and roll the dice on finding a new project closer to home. It seemed I had the feeling of saying farewell to more than just a stint in Mexico. I was saying goodbye to a way of life I had lived for nearly 10 years.
In the background, some things were happening that did not seem so significant at first glance. After a long wait I had found and moved into a new apartment in Munich. I started dating Mr. Kilt. Meanwhile my boss encouraged me to hold out for the very slim possibility of some work in Munich, despite some tempting opportunities in Paris and Switzerland. I mean, Paris...it took all my will power to say no.
Last weekend I found myself in the airport for the first time in what seemed like ages. This trip had nothing to do with work. I was off to another weekend in Scotland with Mr. Kilt, for a wedding. Sitting in the airport, I remembered the life I was already forgetting.
Packing took longer than usual because I was out of practice. My suitcase was dusty. No need to stress about landing, meeting 50 strangers and immediately trying to figure out how to work with them and motivate them to deliver the impossible project in the impossible timeline. I wasn't leaving my man behind for the 30th week in a row; he was right by my side, as he is most days of the week, keeping me company, making me smile and filling up my heart and my life with all those things I was never sure I wanted. I try every day to do the same for him.
I don't feel bored or unsatisfied without the travel. In fact, I don't think about it at all. I still have plenty of challenging work. Less would be just fine actually.
Mr. Kilt and I boarded the plane together with a herd of other summer tourists. I smiled as I realized I don't miss that old life one little bit.
Posted from Munich
I always was a little bit afraid of what would happen to me if I eased off on my relentless travel and work schedule, even while I knew logically that if I ever wanted a different life from the one I was living I would have to give it up. I was worried I would become boring or bored and I wondered what satisfaction I would find if I shifted my energy to my personal life.
Many people would probably thing it is ridiculous to get so much enjoyment out of professional achievements at the expense of stability in personal life, but I thrived on it. Getting the final sign off on my doctorate, finishing my first project as a team member, then as a team lead, then moving on and achieving even more in an international setting than I ever would have believed possible gave me a lot of happiness. Sure, the cost was always high. A trail of destruction in my friendships, my relationships and even a brief marriage was left in my wake as I continuously set off for the next adventure. I never saw at the time what I was doing; it just seemed to all implode on its own over and over again.
During a cold, lonely winter in Zürich something finally started to click. I was devoting far too much energy to achievement for the sake of achievement. Something echoed in my head over and over during that winter, a line from the last argument M. and I ever had. 'Do you want to be in your 50s, single and no family, working on yet another crazy project, living somewhere like Hong Kong?'
I pondered that question a lot in the winter of 2009. Sometimes I could really see that as my future. Traveling the globe, climbing the corporate ladder, dependent on no one. But then what? If that all came to pass, would I really look back at my life and be happy with how I lived it? Independence, strength and self-sufficiency are all good things but are they worth it at the exclusion of the many other things life has to offer?
As often is the case, even when I started to feel that perhaps it was time for a change, life doesn't just fall into place at that moment. My motto may have become 'Underachieve at work and enjoy life more' but old habits die hard.
I moved back to Munich while starting another challenging project in Geneva that then took me to England and the Netherlands at first and then off to Mexico. Next thing I knew over a year had passed since the breakup with M. and on the surface little seemed to have changed.
Mexico felt special to me at the time. I embraced the time there and felt very sad when I decided to leave prematurely and roll the dice on finding a new project closer to home. It seemed I had the feeling of saying farewell to more than just a stint in Mexico. I was saying goodbye to a way of life I had lived for nearly 10 years.
In the background, some things were happening that did not seem so significant at first glance. After a long wait I had found and moved into a new apartment in Munich. I started dating Mr. Kilt. Meanwhile my boss encouraged me to hold out for the very slim possibility of some work in Munich, despite some tempting opportunities in Paris and Switzerland. I mean, Paris...it took all my will power to say no.
Last weekend I found myself in the airport for the first time in what seemed like ages. This trip had nothing to do with work. I was off to another weekend in Scotland with Mr. Kilt, for a wedding. Sitting in the airport, I remembered the life I was already forgetting.
Packing took longer than usual because I was out of practice. My suitcase was dusty. No need to stress about landing, meeting 50 strangers and immediately trying to figure out how to work with them and motivate them to deliver the impossible project in the impossible timeline. I wasn't leaving my man behind for the 30th week in a row; he was right by my side, as he is most days of the week, keeping me company, making me smile and filling up my heart and my life with all those things I was never sure I wanted. I try every day to do the same for him.
I don't feel bored or unsatisfied without the travel. In fact, I don't think about it at all. I still have plenty of challenging work. Less would be just fine actually.
Mr. Kilt and I boarded the plane together with a herd of other summer tourists. I smiled as I realized I don't miss that old life one little bit.
Posted from Munich
2.3.10
When You're Not Looking
Life can be such a tease.
The last two years, I have been trying for a promotion at work and have missed it both times by a hair. The first time I was just surprised. The second time I was just discouraged. Over time, I started to think that maybe it was a sign and came to a conclusion that life was ‘helping’ me in another direction. My career has always important to me. But had it become too important or, even worse, the only thing?
With all that in mind, I started declining 'exotic' project locations for any long term assignments to have more time to carve out my personal life at home. My boss fully supported me and has more than once reminded me of this when the lure of far off destinations started to suck me in. I forced myself always to go home for a weekend before making any decisions on offers and, sure enough, once the initial excitement wore off and I reconnected with my friends for a couple of days, it was a lot easier to get some perspective and say no. It will always appeal to me to explore the world but I am more cautious now and more aware of the consequences of the hobo lifestyle.
Now, let's go back to New Year's Eve. 2009 was a tough but important year for me. It took me a long time to sort out what to do next with my life. Almost one year ago, I made the decision to give Munich another try. I was blessed to meet a lot of wonderful people, to explore so much of Munich that I had missed in the pervious three years and finally to find my apartment, my home. Over the summer and fall, I tentatively started to go on some dates and finally open up to the possibility of letting someone into my life again.
So what about New Year's? The day I was dumped as you might recall. It was not the best day but I appreciated the feeling of closure that a short-lived mistake had ended with little time wasted and that I could start 2010 with a clean slate. We needed to quickly regroup and find alternative plans for the night. I had a friend in town visiting and wanted her to have fun even though I wasn’t so sure I would.
After a few phone calls, we had a packed schedule, but the first thing I wanted to do was spend a couple hours at one of my girlfriend's houses where she was having a laid back gathering that evening, mainly with her other Scottish friends who live in Munich. My friend and I showed up all glammed up from an afternoon of hair and make-up with my hairdresser Klaus, a makeover genius, and spent a few hours with the group before heading on to the next parties. One of the guys at the party, who I had met once before last summer, didn't even recognize me and re-introduced himself.
After we left, my friend asked me about him, if maybe he was single and someone I could go out with. I laughed it off and told her to forget it. I had been interested after the first time I met him but he didn't even remember me. Jerk. And off we went without another thought about it.
But he was thinking about it.
I saw him a couple weeks later when I joined the Scottish mafia for curry night. Then again a couple weeks later I was out with the girls, including our mutual friend who had hosted the New Year’s Eve party. She mentioned he was going to join us a little later. Hmmmm. Ok.
That night, once he arrived, we fell easily into step together and haven't looked back since. He asked me out for dinner the following week. Apparently he had wanted to since New Year's Eve and the Scottish mafia had gone so far as drafting a group SMS to send me that night before sense got ahold of them that maybe it wasn’t the best way to impress a girl and it stayed in the draft box. Finally we got a nudge, or a shove, from my matchmaking friend who saw it more clearly than us. One month after New Year's Eve it began.
And it is how it should be. Straightforward. Friendly. Uncomplicated. Fun. Humorous. Considerate. Compatible. Reliable. Mutual.
Coming at a time when I have more clarity about my priorities and what I want.
Then the call came. On Friday night, the Scot and I were high on Gummi Bears and giggling (ok, I was doing most of the Gummi Bear eating and giggling) in the car on our way down to Austria for a ski weekend and my phone started ringing.
Late for a Friday. It was my boss.
Calling to congratulate me.
A decision had been made to do a few mid-year promtions.
While I wasn't looking, that promotion snuck up on me. It’s not the most important thing to me anymore but still a nice feeling.
I like 2010 so far.
Posted from Mannheim
The last two years, I have been trying for a promotion at work and have missed it both times by a hair. The first time I was just surprised. The second time I was just discouraged. Over time, I started to think that maybe it was a sign and came to a conclusion that life was ‘helping’ me in another direction. My career has always important to me. But had it become too important or, even worse, the only thing?
With all that in mind, I started declining 'exotic' project locations for any long term assignments to have more time to carve out my personal life at home. My boss fully supported me and has more than once reminded me of this when the lure of far off destinations started to suck me in. I forced myself always to go home for a weekend before making any decisions on offers and, sure enough, once the initial excitement wore off and I reconnected with my friends for a couple of days, it was a lot easier to get some perspective and say no. It will always appeal to me to explore the world but I am more cautious now and more aware of the consequences of the hobo lifestyle.
Now, let's go back to New Year's Eve. 2009 was a tough but important year for me. It took me a long time to sort out what to do next with my life. Almost one year ago, I made the decision to give Munich another try. I was blessed to meet a lot of wonderful people, to explore so much of Munich that I had missed in the pervious three years and finally to find my apartment, my home. Over the summer and fall, I tentatively started to go on some dates and finally open up to the possibility of letting someone into my life again.
So what about New Year's? The day I was dumped as you might recall. It was not the best day but I appreciated the feeling of closure that a short-lived mistake had ended with little time wasted and that I could start 2010 with a clean slate. We needed to quickly regroup and find alternative plans for the night. I had a friend in town visiting and wanted her to have fun even though I wasn’t so sure I would.
After a few phone calls, we had a packed schedule, but the first thing I wanted to do was spend a couple hours at one of my girlfriend's houses where she was having a laid back gathering that evening, mainly with her other Scottish friends who live in Munich. My friend and I showed up all glammed up from an afternoon of hair and make-up with my hairdresser Klaus, a makeover genius, and spent a few hours with the group before heading on to the next parties. One of the guys at the party, who I had met once before last summer, didn't even recognize me and re-introduced himself.
After we left, my friend asked me about him, if maybe he was single and someone I could go out with. I laughed it off and told her to forget it. I had been interested after the first time I met him but he didn't even remember me. Jerk. And off we went without another thought about it.
But he was thinking about it.
I saw him a couple weeks later when I joined the Scottish mafia for curry night. Then again a couple weeks later I was out with the girls, including our mutual friend who had hosted the New Year’s Eve party. She mentioned he was going to join us a little later. Hmmmm. Ok.
That night, once he arrived, we fell easily into step together and haven't looked back since. He asked me out for dinner the following week. Apparently he had wanted to since New Year's Eve and the Scottish mafia had gone so far as drafting a group SMS to send me that night before sense got ahold of them that maybe it wasn’t the best way to impress a girl and it stayed in the draft box. Finally we got a nudge, or a shove, from my matchmaking friend who saw it more clearly than us. One month after New Year's Eve it began.
And it is how it should be. Straightforward. Friendly. Uncomplicated. Fun. Humorous. Considerate. Compatible. Reliable. Mutual.
Coming at a time when I have more clarity about my priorities and what I want.
Then the call came. On Friday night, the Scot and I were high on Gummi Bears and giggling (ok, I was doing most of the Gummi Bear eating and giggling) in the car on our way down to Austria for a ski weekend and my phone started ringing.
Late for a Friday. It was my boss.
Calling to congratulate me.
A decision had been made to do a few mid-year promtions.
While I wasn't looking, that promotion snuck up on me. It’s not the most important thing to me anymore but still a nice feeling.
I like 2010 so far.
Posted from Mannheim
17.2.10
Sick Days
It seems to be going around. Gallons of nasty snot, sore throat, fever and eventually a hacking cough. Fatigue.
So, being in between projects again, I spent last week in Frankfurt doing some internal work while feeling miserable at the start of this nasty bug. Towards the end of the week I was feeling better and thought it was passing. Then it came back with a vengeance on Sunday at which point I decided to take myself out of the game and stay home for a few days to recover.
No going out. No staying up late. No travel. No fasching. Just rest, homemade chicken noodle soup, videos and reading.
And french toast. Yum.
Posted from Munich
11.12.09
Calmness
As forwarded on by a friend of mine today...
I am not quite sure this is what dear Oprah had in mind, but nevertheless a nice interpretation. I have a lot to finish today myself...
CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES
Posted from Munich
I am not quite sure this is what dear Oprah had in mind, but nevertheless a nice interpretation. I have a lot to finish today myself...
CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Oprah show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr. Oz proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.'
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Tequila, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.
Posted from Munich
5.10.09
Christmas Lights
Yesterday marked another project successfully delivered and one day early to boot. I had an insanely short amount of time to do this one and still I managed it somehow. After the stress of pulling it all together, the satisfaction of seeing it smoothly executed and the awareness sinking in of the fleeting time remaining before I am just another memory, I wanted to freeze the happy moment and celebrate. I wanted to jump up and down and shout Yooohoooooooo! We did it!
But there was no one there to share it with. Not really. Sure I pulled the team together, headed down to the pub and had a quick celebration ale. All were tired, even if pleased with the results, and anxious to get home to their families after so many days and long nights of work. In the blink of an eye, everyone was gone and I was left with the bright moon shining on all the empty glasses and the scratching of the fallen leaves rustling along the pavement.
I too am anxious to get home to Munich after nearly three weeks away. It's time to move to my new apartment on Friday. A few carloads and I should be easily out of the place I called home the last six months. I can imagine that moment but wonder how it will feel when I am finally there.
This morning I took advantage of the unexpected day off and booked a massage at the hotel spa. The massage room has recessed lights in the ceiling that very slowly alternated between red, blue, green...reeeed, bluuueeee, greeeeeeen.
The therapist started to do her work and as always happens when I have a massage, I skated the line between concious and sub-conscious, reaching a dream-like state yet still fully aware. My mind opened and closed random doors, skimming along memories, until I came to the room with the big full moon and, inevitably, to M. I blinked back the tears, retreated from the room, gently shut the door again or perhaps left it open a crack for another time.
To the next door and the red, blue, green, red, blue, green took me to another place. A timeless Christmas Eve. The lights on the tree slowly changing, red, blue and green. The snow silvery in the moonlight. The fat cat curled in front of the fire. Everyone else is sleeping and it is nearly silent except the crackling of the burning logs.
Christmas is not my favorite holiday. I was relieved when our family agreed a few years ago to no more presents. It is now just a time to get together. I cook a feast and more cookies than anyone knows what to do with and share them with the ones I love. It is a nicer holiday now but I don't love it.
Today on the massage table when I was a million miles away from England and in another season, I understood why some people find the holidays depressing. In that silent night, that time for family and loved ones, the truth is transparent. The sum of your life converges sharp and clear and what is important in this little time we have here becomes obvious. Right then you know, life, your life, with all its imperfections is either fulfilling and meaningful or shallow and empty. In the silent night, you can't hide from the truth.
My Christmas Eve dream is too sterile and empty. Even the fat cat isn't really mine.
Posted from Ashford Kent
But there was no one there to share it with. Not really. Sure I pulled the team together, headed down to the pub and had a quick celebration ale. All were tired, even if pleased with the results, and anxious to get home to their families after so many days and long nights of work. In the blink of an eye, everyone was gone and I was left with the bright moon shining on all the empty glasses and the scratching of the fallen leaves rustling along the pavement.
I too am anxious to get home to Munich after nearly three weeks away. It's time to move to my new apartment on Friday. A few carloads and I should be easily out of the place I called home the last six months. I can imagine that moment but wonder how it will feel when I am finally there.
This morning I took advantage of the unexpected day off and booked a massage at the hotel spa. The massage room has recessed lights in the ceiling that very slowly alternated between red, blue, green...reeeed, bluuueeee, greeeeeeen.
The therapist started to do her work and as always happens when I have a massage, I skated the line between concious and sub-conscious, reaching a dream-like state yet still fully aware. My mind opened and closed random doors, skimming along memories, until I came to the room with the big full moon and, inevitably, to M. I blinked back the tears, retreated from the room, gently shut the door again or perhaps left it open a crack for another time.
To the next door and the red, blue, green, red, blue, green took me to another place. A timeless Christmas Eve. The lights on the tree slowly changing, red, blue and green. The snow silvery in the moonlight. The fat cat curled in front of the fire. Everyone else is sleeping and it is nearly silent except the crackling of the burning logs.
Christmas is not my favorite holiday. I was relieved when our family agreed a few years ago to no more presents. It is now just a time to get together. I cook a feast and more cookies than anyone knows what to do with and share them with the ones I love. It is a nicer holiday now but I don't love it.
Today on the massage table when I was a million miles away from England and in another season, I understood why some people find the holidays depressing. In that silent night, that time for family and loved ones, the truth is transparent. The sum of your life converges sharp and clear and what is important in this little time we have here becomes obvious. Right then you know, life, your life, with all its imperfections is either fulfilling and meaningful or shallow and empty. In the silent night, you can't hide from the truth.
My Christmas Eve dream is too sterile and empty. Even the fat cat isn't really mine.
Posted from Ashford Kent
21.2.09
All Roads Lead To Rome
I am on the verge of giving myself a good shake. It's time to snap out of this funk I've been in. Sure, the last 6 months have been far from stable and satisfying. I have spent a lot of time dwelling on both the past and my strange present.
Some shapes are starting to emerge from the fog. I wish I could have seen what I see now a year ago but it's time to take the lessons forward and let the rest fall away. More on these lessons in due time. For now, some bright spots that are making me smile...
And what about Rome? My company leadership nominated me to participate in a symposium for developing the next generation of women leaders. It will take place in Rome and I am pretty excited about it!
Posted from Cherry Hill, NJ
Some shapes are starting to emerge from the fog. I wish I could have seen what I see now a year ago but it's time to take the lessons forward and let the rest fall away. More on these lessons in due time. For now, some bright spots that are making me smile...
Patches of Sun
***Country Music Singalongs***
***Old Friends***
***A New Friend***
***Mexican Avocados***
***Words of Encouragement***
***Another Apartment Search***
***A Special Thanks***
***My Family***
***Randy Cat***
***My Camera***
***A Decision Made***
And what about Rome? My company leadership nominated me to participate in a symposium for developing the next generation of women leaders. It will take place in Rome and I am pretty excited about it!
Posted from Cherry Hill, NJ
1.2.09
Pittsburgh
Four may days until I go 'home'. I have been in Pittsburgh for almost a week and now have a last minute change of plans to leave for New Jersey tomorrow rather than finshing the trip here as expected. It doesn't phase me. My suitcase is always at the ready these days. My father was right, I am a hobo. Maybe a yuppie hobo, but still a hobo.
January has been a surreal experience. I have spent most of this year so far living in the past and each day I regret more and more the events of the last year. I dream of a reunion that is never to be. Without M. and our life in Munich there is nothing to anchor me anymore and I drift with the current, the job setting the direction and speed of all events in my life.
I would like to complain about the radical situation I am in at work right now. The travel is too much, even for me. The chemistry is not there with the people on my new project, even though they are mostly nice people. Köln feels like the wrong place. I spend too much time alone, in hotels, in corporate apartments, in the airport. All that being said though, I know I can't complain. I am glad to have a job right now because that is no longer a given. It's time to batten down the hatches and hope to hang on until the storm is over.
I haven't been writing so much lately because I have been churning my thoughts. Everything I think to write sounds half-baked at best. Ignoring the state of my mind and writing something superficial seems, well, superficial. I am slowly reorganizing and reprioritizing what I want out of life and while that means a lot to me it is boring to read about.
Whatever my conclusions are, I can't help but wonder if it isn't too late for some things anyway.
Posted from Pittsburgh
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