A December to Remember

Another year coming to a close and, for the most part, 2010 was very much what I had hoped it would be.

Life just generally calmed down. By the end of March, I had stopped traveling for work and could settle in to a more normal lifestyle of being home every night and where travel was only of the fun vacation kind. My promotion finally fell into place after a year and a half delay and I felt more optimistic that I could continue on for the next 3-5 years with the same company. I attended an inspirational future leaders conference for women in my company and was further encouraged about the next steps. A big milestone is on the horizon in January; I will be with my company for 10 years.

Nevertheless, in preparing for my annual review in October, I had the feeling that it might be time to move on. Staying with my current company means the next few years are a steep uphill climb if I want to make the next promotion. Plus, in the background, there is always the lingering thought that in town assignments are more a matter of luck than anything. While it worked out for me this year, it is always a gamble on what the next assignment might bring.

Even with that feeling of being ready for change, I decided to hold off on actively looking for a new job for another year or so. I was going through a bit of tough time with so many friends recently leaving Munich and, despite feeling at home and settled, was starting to wonder if I wanted to rebuild yet again, knowing the result will likely be the same, or if I should also consider leaving. Again, no firm idea or plan, just a sense that I needed to think about what I really wanted for the next few years and also what might make the most sense with my personal situation.

Mr. Kilt and I were talking about the next steps in our relationship. He had always made it clear that getting married and having kids were top priorities in his near future and we began to discuss moving in together, as well as the possibility of getting married next year and even how kids would fit into the picture. In a very academic way, this all sounded great. Mr. Kilt is a solid, down to earth, caring and fun person who has a lot to offer. Finally it seemed after putting a lot more emphasis on my personal life, things were coming together. Yet somewhere deep in the pit of my stomach, where intuition reigns, something felt a little off. Planning our future should have felt good but I felt trapped.

I told my gut to be quiet and leave me be but as December approached I was feeling more and more disconnected from everything and everyone. Somehow life had moved into auto-pilot and I felt like I was just going through the moves because it all got easy and comfortable. I argued with myself, isn't that what I wanted? To reach some kind of angst-free equilibrium and maybe even live happily ever after?

At the end of November, two things happened. First, my client approached me with a job offer. A permanent position in Munich, no travel, an excellent opportunity with a nice package. Second, a colleague who had become a friend opened up about his feelings for me and I knew immediately I couldn't just brush it off. I had always felt a connection with him but always chose to ignore it as I was focused on a future with Mr. Kilt.

After a well-orchestrated, carefully planned and executed year, I suddenly faced December with two major decisions starting me in the face, one for career and one for personal life. Another fork in the road when I least expected it, two forks actually, with far reaching implications. On a gut level, I knew what I wanted but my brain needed some time to catch up, double check and reassure, absorb it all and come to some kind of acceptance. My brain fought it for as long as it could but in the end I went with my instinct in both cases.

And so I come to the close of 2010, my decisions are made, and I am on a break to digest it all.
Truly a December to remember.

Posted from East Hampton

In the Airport

Sometimes changes happen with a big bang, altering life as you know it in a moment. Other times, changes sneak their way into your life, subtly shifting the sands around until one day you are struck by the change in the landscape. What you knew so well and for so long has been replaced by something altogether new.

I always was a little bit afraid of what would happen to me if I eased off on my relentless travel and work schedule, even while I knew logically that if I ever wanted a different life from the one I was living I would have to give it up. I was worried I would become boring or bored and I wondered what satisfaction I would find if I shifted my energy to my personal life.

Many people would probably thing it is ridiculous to get so much enjoyment out of professional achievements at the expense of stability in personal life, but I thrived on it. Getting the final sign off on my doctorate, finishing my first project as a team member, then as a team lead, then moving on and achieving even more in an international setting than I ever would have believed possible gave me a lot of happiness. Sure, the cost was always high. A trail of destruction in my friendships, my relationships and even a brief marriage was left in my wake as I continuously set off for the next adventure. I never saw at the time what I was doing; it just seemed to all implode on its own over and over again.

During a cold, lonely winter in Zürich something finally started to click. I was devoting far too much energy to achievement for the sake of achievement. Something echoed in my head over and over during that winter, a line from the last argument M. and I ever had. 'Do you want to be in your 50s, single and no family, working on yet another crazy project, living somewhere like Hong Kong?'

I pondered that question a lot in the winter of 2009. Sometimes I could really see that as my future. Traveling the globe, climbing the corporate ladder, dependent on no one. But then what? If that all came to pass, would I really look back at my life and be happy with how I lived it? Independence, strength and self-sufficiency are all good things but are they worth it at the exclusion of the many other things life has to offer?

As often is the case, even when I started to feel that perhaps it was time for a change, life doesn't just fall into place at that moment. My motto may have become 'Underachieve at work and enjoy life more' but old habits die hard.

I moved back to Munich while starting another challenging project in Geneva that then took me to England and the Netherlands at first and then off to Mexico. Next thing I knew over a year had passed since the breakup with M. and on the surface little seemed to have changed.

Mexico felt special to me at the time. I embraced the time there and felt very sad when I decided to leave prematurely and roll the dice on finding a new project closer to home. It seemed I had the feeling of saying farewell to more than just a stint in Mexico. I was saying goodbye to a way of life I had lived for nearly 10 years.

In the background, some things were happening that did not seem so significant at first glance. After a long wait I had found and moved into a new apartment in Munich. I started dating Mr. Kilt. Meanwhile my boss encouraged me to hold out for the very slim possibility of some work in Munich, despite some tempting opportunities in Paris and Switzerland. I mean, Paris...it took all my will power to say no.

Last weekend I found myself in the airport for the first time in what seemed like ages. This trip had nothing to do with work. I was off to another weekend in Scotland with Mr. Kilt, for a wedding. Sitting in the airport, I remembered the life I was already forgetting.

Packing took longer than usual because I was out of practice. My suitcase was dusty. No need to stress about landing, meeting 50 strangers and immediately trying to figure out how to work with them and motivate them to deliver the impossible project in the impossible timeline. I wasn't leaving my man behind for the 30th week in a row; he was right by my side, as he is most days of the week, keeping me company, making me smile and filling up my heart and my life with all those things I was never sure I wanted. I try every day to do the same for him.

I don't feel bored or unsatisfied without the travel. In fact, I don't think about it at all. I still have plenty of challenging work. Less would be just fine actually.

Mr. Kilt and I boarded the plane together with a herd of other summer tourists. I smiled as I realized I don't miss that old life one little bit.

Posted from Munich

Scotland

"You can't go back home to your family, back home to your childhood ... back home to a young man's dreams of glory and of fame ... back home to places in the country, back home to the old forms and systems of things which once seemed everlasting but which are changing all the time — back home to the escapes of Time and Memory."

--Thomas Wolfe

Maybe. Maybe.

But at least we visited. Scotland in and of itself is beautiful, moody, friendly and barbed. Scotland and Mr. Kilt together blew me away. I think to really know someone, you need to know where they come from. During our trip, I got the atomic blast of all things Mr. Kilt.

I met the parents, his two brothers, his brand-new sister-in-law and his best friends from university. I saw the houses he grew up in, the storied university apartment, and where he lived when he had his university internship, driving a Coke van around Scotland for a year trying to sell Cola fridges. I tried all his favorite foods and listened to all the stories about neighborhood bullies, uni pranks, sports glory (his and his favorite football team's) and his distinguished (ahem) scholarly record. We attended one of his best friend's weddings and fell in love with another friend's new baby.

I was asked before the trip by our mutual friend if I was nervous to spend so much time together but I wasn't. We fit each other and even when we had to go through the Great Train Adventure to get home a day late, I can't imagine not having him around every day.

We saw a lot on the trip. We rented a car in York where we started our journey and drove around most of Scotland, excluding the very far north and the islands. We stayed in some charming and some not-so-charming bed and breakfasts. I could not get enough of the sheep and highland bulls and I am sure we were drawing a lot of stares as we did our best imitations of the baby sheep while walking around Glasgow. I wanted to pet the bulls but Mr. Kilt thought I might be taking my life into my hands. We had a tour of the Talisker Whisky factory and I loved the smell of the malt and the sharp sting of the whisky.

I could not resist photographing everything and in the end had over 700 pictures when I got home. The landscape, the buildings, the animals and the weather worked together to create a photographer's paradise.

I was sorry to leave on Sunday night but as we arrived at the airport for our flight home we saw that it was canceled. The ash cloud strikes again! It was quite an adventure getting home. We had a few options - wait for the airport to re-open, drive, take the train, take a ferry and any combination thereof. In the end, all we could really do was catch the last train from Edinburgh to London, spend a few hours at a questionable hotel outside the train station, ride the Eurostar to Paris at 5.30 in the morning and after a 4 hour wait in Paris (where we took full advantage of the sun and Parisian sidewalk cafes and croissants!) we caught two more trains to finally arrive in Munich 24 hours later. And I still like Mr. Kilt, even after all that.

It will be my turn in late August to share where I come from with Mr. Kilt and I hope I can show him half as good a time as he showed me!



Posted from Munich

The Easter Bunny

It is too quiet here.

This evening started the four day Easter holiday weekend in Munich. Many friends are out of town, taking advantage of the time off with a little getaway. Mr. Kilt left last night for Edinburgh for his brother's bachelor party weekend.

So here I am, relaxing at home with a cup of hot chocolate and the DVD player fired up to watch a couple episodes of Mad Men.

The weather has been a bit odd. It seemed we were surely into spring over the last couple of weeks but today as I sat in the backseat of a taxi on my way to meet a client this afternoon, snowflakes started slowly drifting downwards and then the pace quickly picked up. Soon it was snowing hard and I wondered if it was actually Christmas or Easter.

I had a late lunch with a colleague at a hole in the wall Italian restaurant. The colleauge is the account manager for the client we visited today and we decided to knock off work after the visit and spent a few hours chatting and discussing strategy, triviality and life. Only in Europe...

Once I got home I remembered the stores are closed all day Friday, Sunday and Monday so if I wanted any food for the weekend I had better hustle before the stores were closed tonight or face a fierce and angry mob in the stores on Saturday. The grocery store was the typical pre-holiday mob scene anyway. Remember, stores are smaller than most American homes and when all of Munich is trying to pack in and get what they need to survive for 4 days, it is only a matter of time before the store is decimated. One poor guy was trying to restock but was causing such a traffic jam in the tiny aisles that he was nearly getting trampled and no one could get to the milk. I mean, we need to get milk! It's right up there with eggs and bread for all pre-crisis shopping mobs' must haves. Carts, people and squashed produce littered the floors and I was run over at least twice. At one point a girl asked me in English if I could help her get a basket and I gave her a blank German stare because I was not expecting to hear English. Oh man, I am becoming one of them! I am always too ambitious and load up the cart with way too much only to realize I need to lug it all home, even if home is only a few blocks away. Nevermind that we only have dorm sized fridges with a freezer that can only hold one small pizza box. I knew as I was walking home it would be my last time out of the house tonight.

Chilled and tired, I built a fire, put on some nice music and giggled at the artifacts Mr. Kilt has left all over the place. Seriously, that man has spoiled me rotten. A half dozen red roses were still blooming on my table from an airport pickup last Friday. Post-it notes appear in random places that I only find sometimes days after he has hidden them but they are always guaranteed to put a smile on my face. An Easter basket of bath and spa goodies, chocolate, and a few goofy How I Met Your Mother (our Sunday evening ritual) gifts sat in the living room. And for Saturday, he booked me a massage at my favorite spa in town. Spoiled. Rotten. And never letting him go.

I hold my own and love thinking up ways to surprise him back.

All of that is nice, but I miss just having him here to talk to and hang out with. Life is brighter when he's around.

Some exciting news - we are heading to Scotland the first week of May. Vacation was approved this week and the flights are booked. I'm not too sure what exactly we are doing other than attending one of his friend's wedding in Edinburgh, visiting the Isle of Skye and St. Andrews, tasting some whisky and visiting a castle or two. I guess that is already enough!

So onto my lazy, quiet weekend. Cheers!

Posted from Munich

Puzzle Pieces

I always loved doing puzzles.

Every year on my family’s summer vacation we would find some puzzles to do in our rental cottages. I would choose one, usually the most difficult one that I could find, and for the next week or two make it my project.

I would get a sense of what it should look like then start laying down the frame. Always the frame first to set the boundaries and give it some structure.

Then I would find the unique sections. Maybe there were some special colors in one area, or a different pattern, a face perhaps. It didn’t really matter but on a huge puzzle I had to start filling in the frame somewhere and I went for whatever stood out.

After the obvious pieces were in place, it always got a little more challenging. Perhaps there was a vast section of blue sky, with little to differentiate one blue puzzle piece from dozens of others. My father or sister might help out for awhile.
I felt more disconnected from the sections they worked on as I hadn’t struggled with them myself, yet they were still part of completing the whole.

As more and more of the puzzle came together, the pieces fell in place faster and faster. Finally down to the last dozen or so pieces, I could see how the final result would look and with a last few satisfying snaps, I would sit back to admire the finished product.

Of course, the process of assembling was more fun than when it was actually finished.

But when one puzzle was finished, so it could start all again with a new one.

In the last weeks, life feels like it has reached the last dozen or so pieces of this particular puzzle and they are snapping quickly into place.

I am writing this from what should be my final train ride to Mannheim. On Friday night my phone started ringing off the hook and texts were flying in. I found out that the sales deal I had been supporting the last few weeks had been signed. A contract for a long term project. In Munich.

Like making a puzzle, I have over the last year been putting in place the frame, the sections I could manage and, without realizing it, coming closer and closer to those last dozen or so pieces falling into place. There was help from my friends and family to shape certain sections and sometimes without knowing why or where it was going, I fought to stay in the frame I laid out a year ago.

I called Mr. Kilt to tell him the good news and agreed to meet up with him after dinner with the girls. When I arrived, he had left a trail of post it notes from the front door to the living room. ‘This way for a surprise. -> ‘Only Boston Red Sox fans past this point.’ ‘Congratulations, honey.’ I was giggling like a fool, following one note after the other, until I turned the corner. He was sitting there with a bottle of pink champagne, two glasses, and a big grin, waiting to celebrate the good news!

With that, the last piece of one puzzle snapped into place and, well, I think I will sit back, admire and enjoy it for a little while and get ready to start the next one.

Posted from DB