Sometimes I wish things were simple again. I'm not sure when that was but at some point it must have been. Lately, when I am between the worlds of awake and asleep at night, I float over past scenes of my life. I'm not sure what I am looking for but I am searching for something.

Memories I thought I had long forgotten about resurface and I look to see if I still recognize that person in myself now. It's important to me that I don't lose my roots as I continually move forward into stranger and stranger places. Sometimes I long to go back to those places I visit but I can only hover for a little while before it is time to go back to the place I am now. I wonder how life would have been if I had not had such strong motivation to try new things, travel to new places and charge ahead recklessly to the next goal.

It is shocking how fast life moves. It has been 17 years since I started college, 7 years since I started work, more than 34 years since I was born. The numbers start to mean nothing. I can't process them anymore. Just yesterday I was turning 21 and it couldn't come fast enough. This year I can look forward to 35 and I would be more than happy if I could freeze it here.

I think my life boils down to only a few pivotal moments that define me and that led to my existance as I know it. The filler, the stuff in between, lazes along like a quiet river, passing unnoticeably until you notice you are too far downstream to paddle back. Lest this sound regretful, it is not. I am only nostalgic for things that won't be anymore. Things that I miss dearly.

Posted from Basel


C N Heidelberg said...

Thanks for this - I feel the same way, and have been going through a phase of it for the last month or two.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you are in a period of reflection. Happiness and sadness are both temporary states. No one seeks to be sad.

We view happiness as the key to our success. However, attaining more happiness in a way that will sustain the ever increasing need for more traps us with in our own lives. If I am happy, then what is next? If I am present in the moment I am not compelled to chase after more.

To quote Eckhart Tolle, "we often use memory traces to the past to remember how things use to be and then gauge our present situation against it".

The answers you are looking are right infront of you. Things are working as they should be at this present moment.

Anonymous said...

And one more thing, you mention that you defined your live as a few pivotal moments. I would ask what about today. What things can you add to your story with the time you have left on this earth?

Looking back on good times helps quell the uncertainty of the future. We go back because it keeps us from worrying about the future. When in fact it is the present moment that is most important.

Afterall, did anyone ever experience the future before it actually happened? When something does occur it only ever happens in the present moment.

Get yourself some Tolle to read and then start to be present in the moment.

It will take time, but trust me, it is a very rewarding journey.

aimee said...

beautifully written and very representative of how those times of reflection feel.

Gardner said...

"I wonder how life would have been if I had not had such strong motivation to try new things, travel to new places and charge ahead recklessly to the next goal."

What other choice do we have? ;-) I would guess you are right where you need to be.