Today marks my one month anniversary of my arrival in Europe. I had such mixed feelings during my last couple of weeks in the US. I was sure I wanted to come and experience life here and see what an international project not based in the US might teach me. More importantly, I wanted to see where things would go with M. if we weren’t living so far apart and could have a life somewhat approaching normal for two consultants from two continents.
On the other hand, I had gotten used to spending a lot more time with my parents and family over the last year. After living away for the better part of ten years, we had gone from getting together three or four times a year to spending every weekend together and I really enjoyed feeling part of the family again.
Leaving Connecticut shortly after Christmas was a very painful goodbye and definitely has been the hardest part of this entire experience so far. When I got to DC to wrap up my last week and a half on my project before flying straight to Munich, I was still sure I wanted to go. It came with a heavy heart and feelings of guilt though. M. came to DC to spend New Years with me and to help me get ready to move. I think he must have thought I was crazy with the mood swings I was going through but I was able to lean on him and we got through it together.
I spent my last few days in DC alone. Looking back, they feel almost surreal. The project release went remarkably smoothly. I had time to organize the remaining details of my move and spend time with the colleagues that had become my friends over the last two and a half years. I tried to anticipate what I would miss or what I should say goodbye to but kept drawing blanks. In the end, I didn’t do a farewell tour of CT or DC. I left with an odd assortment of sugar cereal, peanut butter, Ziploc bags, dryer sheets, and mayonnaise, none of which I have touched since I got here.
So after a month, what do I miss? My family, my friends, fat cat Randy and the Red Sox. I miss having a project that is under control and organized but I am working on that. The food… I don’t miss at all. They are going to have to cut a hole in the roof and air lift me out of here if I keep eating like this. The music… there’s nothing in the US you can’t find here. TV… I haven’t watched much in the last few years anyway.
What have I gained? My biggest personal growth so far is probably the realization that there are different ways of doing things at work and in life and it is worth it to at least consider alternatives. You may think you are open minded but until you step outside of your comfort zone and become in some way a minority, fumbling to get by, you can’t fully appreciate the feelings that being different may bring out in you. I think human nature is to reject the unknown or what is different in fear of the threat it may pose or out of insecurity. For me, that instinct is being replaced by an awareness that most of the time something that is different is only different, not necessarily good or bad. Once you realize that, the choices you make are truly your own preferences.
I feel peaceful and happy here. Every weekend I see M. and our relationship has grown so much since I’ve been here. For the first time I am with someone who provides the right balance of challenge and support, independence and love, adventure and peace. I can’t remember the last time I laughed so much with someone and it feels good. It feels nice just to BE without dissecting and worrying at every turn.
I sat on a bench in a plaza tonight waiting for my tram. I had just left a team dinner, an assembly of people who journeyed many different paths to get there. The food and wine were plentiful, as was the laugher. I quietly wondered what they all had left behind and where they all would go someday when our laughter is only a faint whisper in our memories. People strolled through the plaza, filling the air with their conversations and laughter and cigarette smoke. In the distance, I heard an accordion playing a wistful and melancholy tune, or was it hopeful?
On the other hand, I had gotten used to spending a lot more time with my parents and family over the last year. After living away for the better part of ten years, we had gone from getting together three or four times a year to spending every weekend together and I really enjoyed feeling part of the family again.
Leaving Connecticut shortly after Christmas was a very painful goodbye and definitely has been the hardest part of this entire experience so far. When I got to DC to wrap up my last week and a half on my project before flying straight to Munich, I was still sure I wanted to go. It came with a heavy heart and feelings of guilt though. M. came to DC to spend New Years with me and to help me get ready to move. I think he must have thought I was crazy with the mood swings I was going through but I was able to lean on him and we got through it together.
I spent my last few days in DC alone. Looking back, they feel almost surreal. The project release went remarkably smoothly. I had time to organize the remaining details of my move and spend time with the colleagues that had become my friends over the last two and a half years. I tried to anticipate what I would miss or what I should say goodbye to but kept drawing blanks. In the end, I didn’t do a farewell tour of CT or DC. I left with an odd assortment of sugar cereal, peanut butter, Ziploc bags, dryer sheets, and mayonnaise, none of which I have touched since I got here.
So after a month, what do I miss? My family, my friends, fat cat Randy and the Red Sox. I miss having a project that is under control and organized but I am working on that. The food… I don’t miss at all. They are going to have to cut a hole in the roof and air lift me out of here if I keep eating like this. The music… there’s nothing in the US you can’t find here. TV… I haven’t watched much in the last few years anyway.
What have I gained? My biggest personal growth so far is probably the realization that there are different ways of doing things at work and in life and it is worth it to at least consider alternatives. You may think you are open minded but until you step outside of your comfort zone and become in some way a minority, fumbling to get by, you can’t fully appreciate the feelings that being different may bring out in you. I think human nature is to reject the unknown or what is different in fear of the threat it may pose or out of insecurity. For me, that instinct is being replaced by an awareness that most of the time something that is different is only different, not necessarily good or bad. Once you realize that, the choices you make are truly your own preferences.
I feel peaceful and happy here. Every weekend I see M. and our relationship has grown so much since I’ve been here. For the first time I am with someone who provides the right balance of challenge and support, independence and love, adventure and peace. I can’t remember the last time I laughed so much with someone and it feels good. It feels nice just to BE without dissecting and worrying at every turn.
I sat on a bench in a plaza tonight waiting for my tram. I had just left a team dinner, an assembly of people who journeyed many different paths to get there. The food and wine were plentiful, as was the laugher. I quietly wondered what they all had left behind and where they all would go someday when our laughter is only a faint whisper in our memories. People strolled through the plaza, filling the air with their conversations and laughter and cigarette smoke. In the distance, I heard an accordion playing a wistful and melancholy tune, or was it hopeful?
My Apartment in Basel
6 comments:
I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoy reading your blog. There are so many things that you say that I can totally relate to, especially when it comes to how I felt when I first moved here. I'm so glad to hear that things are going well for you!
Great to hear the story you wrote about personal growth; to my opinion there is no better and perhaps also faster way to grow in this field by going abroad ... and be open for all the differences you meet. It does certainly enlarge you feeling of uncertainty, but with some persevarence you will get out of that feeling with some priceless gain (no any credit card can give you that!). By the way: a typical character of a real consultant! Looking forward to see you tonight, Marco (alter ego of Rebecca)
I can't believe it's already been a month! Wow time flies fast! It sounds like you are loving Switzerland and Germany. I'm glad things are going well for you. I went heavy on the food in the beginning but learned to pick in moderation after a while and too many kilo overweight... (thankfully I lost it all too!)
A month has flown by! I'm glad you're feeling good about your move over to this side. It took me months to get even sort of adjusted.
Seems like everything is going great for you.
A beautiful, thoughtful post ... I know how you feel
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