On Love

They say when you know, you know.

When we met, I was a few weeks into dating Mr. Kilt. I had just started working at my new client and I didn't have a permanent desk yet, so I was sitting in a makeshift office, where others who might be in town for a few days sometimes used a desk temporarily. I showed up one morning expecting to have the office to myself, as I usually did, and there he was. We had talked on the phone a few times and I liked his sharp, dry wit and how he twisted my words around in a teasing way that always left me flailing in my use of the English language, as if I was a mere beginner in speaking it. He flustered me.

On that morning, the guy sitting in 'my' office stood up to introduce himself and (typical of meeting someone you only 'know' over the phone) he didn't look at all how I pictured he would be. As an American, when I hear a British accent, it draws to mind certain images of how the person should look and I shall leave it at that rather than risk being offensive.

In that moment of meeting, sparks flew and time slowed down and everything got quiet. Then we both kind of shook our heads to snap out of it, turned away, and went back to our lives. And that was all. I had never had that moment with Mr. Kilt, however I felt that it was time to give up on that 'we just knew' feeling at my age and after my experiences and live in a more pragmatic and practical world. Mr. Kilt was there, he treated me like a princess and he would be a good partner to have in life.

Still, in the autumn of last year, while I couldn't put my finger on it exactly, life was feeling very flat. There was no drama, for which I was glad, but sitting in my bedroom one morning after sleeping in too long again, the thought just popped into my head. I am not fun anymore. I had traded life's ups and downs for much more stability but instead of feeling fulfilled I felt very little of anything. I argued with myself that still it was better than life had been. I was not alone, I had a good job, the prospect of another good job on the horizon, discussions about a wedding and children and someone nice to share it all with. How could I seriously feel unfulfilled?

In the meantime, the 'Brit' and I got to know each other a little more but our discussions always centered on work. Nevertheless, I found out he was actually South African but had been living outside of London for about 12 years, had traveled around the world as a consultant, was divorced several years ago and has two teenage children. He came to Munich from time to time so we saw each other occasionally.

In November he was planning a trip to Munich and suggested we gather up some of the colleagues and go out for some dinner and drinks. I had a feeling I should not go. We had kept the door closed between us, kept the relationship professional and I did not want an evening out to rock the boat. But what was I worrying about? He had never said or done anything to indicate he had any of the feelings I did.

So we planned the night out and a group of us went out for dinner, then onto a bar for some drinks. Leading up to the night, I had butterflies and kept telling them to get lost. The night finally came, and as the evening went on, my carefully barricaded door was dismantled and I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I was in trouble. Because, I just knew. I knew he had the same feelings, I knew I could not ignore mine anymore. And because I didn't want to know any of those things!

My head and my heart fought a battle for the next days but I knew it was just a matter of time. I would break up with Mr. Kilt and give in to what I felt deep down inside. That I belong with this man - it is just meant to be.

Posted from Munich