1.2.09

Pittsburgh


Four may days until I go 'home'. I have been in Pittsburgh for almost a week and now have a last minute change of plans to leave for New Jersey tomorrow rather than finshing the trip here as expected. It doesn't phase me. My suitcase is always at the ready these days. My father was right, I am a hobo. Maybe a yuppie hobo, but still a hobo.

January has been a surreal experience. I have spent most of this year so far living in the past and each day I regret more and more the events of the last year. I dream of a reunion that is never to be. Without M. and our life in Munich there is nothing to anchor me anymore and I drift with the current, the job setting the direction and speed of all events in my life.

I would like to complain about the radical situation I am in at work right now. The travel is too much, even for me. The chemistry is not there with the people on my new project, even though they are mostly nice people. Köln feels like the wrong place. I spend too much time alone, in hotels, in corporate apartments, in the airport. All that being said though, I know I can't complain. I am glad to have a job right now because that is no longer a given. It's time to batten down the hatches and hope to hang on until the storm is over.

I haven't been writing so much lately because I have been churning my thoughts. Everything I think to write sounds half-baked at best. Ignoring the state of my mind and writing something superficial seems, well, superficial. I am slowly reorganizing and reprioritizing what I want out of life and while that means a lot to me it is boring to read about.

Whatever my conclusions are, I can't help but wonder if it isn't too late for some things anyway.

Posted from Pittsburgh

12 comments:

My open roads said...

keep your hopes up and keep going! you deserve a good satisfying life and you'll have it! keeping my fingers crossed for you!

aimee said...

it isn't too late for anything...just leading up to the perfect time for something else. thinking about you...

aimee said...

as an aside, i know what you mean about the job. really not liking my current project (going on month five) but trying to keep my thoughts diverted with thankfulness for having a paycheck. :-/

Anonymous said...

When you lose touch with inner stillness, you lose touch with yourself. When you lose touch with yourself, you lose yourself in the world.

Your innermost sense of self, of who you are, is inseparable from stillness. This is the I Am that is deeper than name and form.

Diane Mandy said...

the future can be a wonderful thing, keep working toward your tomorrow and everything will work out.

allyson said...

Hey Michelle - Just wanted to know that I am thinking about you! Remember to take it one day at a time. Try not to look back in the past and not even into the future. Just one day at a time. Your whole life can change (for the better) in just one second. Hang in there...

Expat Traveler said...

Michelle, you will find your place eventually.. It just may take a bit to get there.. I think I finally have. It's been 4 long years after switzerland before I have found it... A long wait indeed, and the start has just begun as I don't consider ourselves grounded one bit yet...

CanadianSwiss said...

It's hard to keep thinking positive when going through rough times, but things will turn around, I'm sure. Hang in there :)

G.C. PHILO said...

Gray skies are gonna clear up...

lobstah said...

Don't forget you can always come hang with us in Portland if you want! :)

J said...

I understand what you're going through. Your main reason for moving abroad was M, and now that that's gone, you need to find a new sense of normalcy in your life abroad.

You'll find it.

Emily Flechtner said...

pittsburgh is a good place to cheer up.... my home town!