In Between

A couple of months ago, I pulled on a loose thread of the warm, soft sweater of my life. Slowly it began to unravel and even as I saw what was happening to my sweater I kept pulling the yarn, mesmerized, unable to stop. I was in the tropics and the sweater was hot and itchy. Now I sit here in my pile of yarn, the winter coming quickly. It's getting cold and I don't know how to knit. I wish I could have my sweater back.

Normally I am an optimistic person. The glass is always half full or, if need be, even a quarter full. The lump in my breast is at worst a cyst. He loves me is much more likely than he loves me not. I believed I would see the Red Sox win the World Series sooner rather than later despite the negativity from my more traditional New England family. More than once - well that's just being greedy. But you get the point.

However the last weeks have been wicked. Let's review what I haven't posted recently, with the optimism that it's just a short-lived phase, a minor inconvenience and all would be better soon.

An attempted reconciliation (mine) resulting in the much dreaded F word (his).*

The cancellation of my role on the project in Zurich.

Starting, stopping and starting again the search for a new apartment in Munich and thinking about how I will have nothing to put in it but 2 suitcases, a teddy bear and a pillow.

The lack of energy I have for starting ALL OVER AGAIN.

The humiliation of a fall down the Spyri Steig in my work clothes with all the scratches and bruises and busted knee.

Being sick all weekend without any hope that the phone would ring even once. Not feeling like talking to anyone anyway and definitely not bothering to call anyone.

Parking tickets and car dents and letters from car rental companies in various languages (German and, even worse, English Legalese).

Trying and failing to keep up with German correspondence, contracts and business meetings.

Becoming alternately apathetic, depressed and angry about all of the above.

There. That's enough. I needed to get that off my chest.
As expected, all the normal cliches are there to help with the situation but they are meaningless to me right now.

It's just a phase/rough time.

One day you'll look back on this and laugh.

Time heals all wounds.

Bad things come in threes.

You need to find a diversion/something to take your mind off things.

It's just something you're going through.

What I know is life is testing my flexibility and strength and I feel close to my limit right now. There is not an area of my life that is not in flux right now. Every foothold is crumbling just as I think I have finally found solid ground.

Ex-pat life is glamorous until it is not. Going back to the US sounds even worse.

In all of this there is one thing I want. To make something beautiful. Beautiful photographs. A beautiful home. A beautiful dinner. A beautiful body and spirit. A beautiful smile.

But I am not there yet. Right now I am in between.


*'Friends' - as in Let's Be.
Posted from Zürich