30.11.05

Quieter than Expected

The last few days have been eerily silent on the relocation front. I expected to be inundated with paperwork and running around DC trying to get it all signed, sealed and delivered but nothing has been sent to me yet. I almost felt a little worried today that there was something going wrong.

I've spent some time the last couple of weeks worrying about what I might miss about the States and how I will do living and working in Germany and Switzerland and how much there is to do to get ready and once I am there. Today, for the first time, I thought about how it would feel if something went wrong and this opportunity fell through. It made me realize how much I want to go.

When I have felt stressed in the last days about the logisitics of what needs to be done, I have felt something else too. Underneath the surface concerns about those issues, is a deep sense of peace and confidence that M. is who I want to be with and build my life with.

As I was going through my belongings this weekend, I found my wedding pictures. I had been married very briefly when I was in graduate school. When I was looking at these pictures, it reminded me of how I felt the day of my wedding and the year prior when I was engaged. I had so many doubts. On a gut level from the moment he proposed through the day we called it quits, something always felt a little off. I rationalized it away and continued to move forward with the relationship but I was never really at ease.

That was the last time I made such a big decision in my life. This time couldn't feel any more different. It's not that everything is always easy with me and M. But even when it isn't we find a way to connect and understand what is going on and what we are going to do about it. In my quietest moments and my deepest thoughts I feel that I have finally found my home. And it feels quiet, and warm and comfortable, a true sense of belonging.

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